DIARY OF A CONFUSED BLACK GIRL

So I’m sitting here wondering what point exactly my life turned upside down. One moment I’m in total control of my life, having a good time and just enjoying life in general and the next moment I’m 6 weeks pregnant for a guy that’s barely talking to me. How did it happen? When did it happen? Why me? What did I do to deserve this? All I wanted was to be happy. All I wanted was to love and be loved. I was finally happy. My mind was at peace and I thought I had met the one. We had the most amazing times together. He seemed  like the perfect guy. Thoughtful, gentle, well mannered, God fearing ( I mean the man knows the Bible well), romantic, etc! The list goes on and on! He checked the right boxes! I was happy.
I came out of an immature relationship about 8 months before so meeting him made me feel like a real woman! Before him, I told people I wasn’t ready to date. I barely even met guys during that time and the few I met were the most immature, disrespectful men I had ever met! ( Simply put, fuck boys!!!) So you wouldn’t blame me for falling in love with this man. Don’t get me wrong he wasn’t perfect! We had our “chicken fights” practically all the time. But the way we settled them was so mature and loving! (I’m sorry! I know I’ve used the word mature quite a lot! But can you blame me? If you dated half the men I have dated, you probably would use the word twice as more than I have! LOL!). I was totally enjoying this new thing God had brought to me! I was already planning marriage. My mum had started getting anxious for her daughter to settle down. And finally I was excited for her to meet this man that put the widest smile on my face! How, when and why it changed I really do not know. I’m still in shock! It happened so fast! As if I didn’t have enough to think about, I realized I was six weeks pregnant!! Should I blame myself for this? Or would anyone else have made the same mistake I made if they were in my shoes?! I’m angry with myself! How did this happen? How did it end up this way? How did my love story become my nightmare? Why did my Prince Charming change? Was it something I did? Everything seemed so normal. There was no sign whatsoever that something was wrong. So what happened? Is there someone else? I’m losing my mind here with all these questions! I have more questions than answers!! What do I do? Do I keep the baby?

I love children. I can’t wait to have mine. But I would rather have them the right way! My parents will be so disappointed!.. Shit! I would have felt way better if he wasn’t acting strange. If I had him to console me! I told him I was pregnant last night and he asked, “So what are we going to do about it?” (More questions! *rolls eyes*) I told him I wasn’t sure. That my mind seemed to be leaning towards keeping it. Then he goes, he had no problem having a child but I had mentioned earlier I wasn’t going to have a baby before marriage cos of my family and all. “Well that was before I had a seed growing inside me,” I answered. Throughout the conversation he made sure to remind me that I wasn’t ready for this. Just what I need, more confusion! Trying to make me change my mind! So he doesn’t look like the bad one.

Any time I start to think bout this whole mess, my heart starts to beat hard! My chest hurts! Sometimes it feels like I can’t breathe. Where did it all go wrong? I ask again, how did we get to this stage?. Even with everything going on I still can’t change the impression I have about him. He is still that kind and gentle man I’ve always known. But u can’t help but wonder why the sudden change. Did I do something wrong? Was it me? How do I get my man back please? I don’t want anyone else! Or am I foolish to still want him? (You see how confused I am right now? A man just stopped talking and went completely cold without warning and I still want him) shit! I think I’m beginning to lose it. I need all the help I can get! When I pray I feel God isn’t hearing me. My sins must be preventing Him from hearing me! I pray all the time bout it. But I think I’m beginning to lose hope. Have you ever felt that way before? How did you come out of it? HELP ME PLEASE

Xoxo

Anonymous

P.s: article wasn’t written by me.

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3 thoughts on “DIARY OF A CONFUSED BLACK GIRL

  1. NJ says:

    As much as a lot of people would empathise with her, no one can help her, especially on here. Reason being, she has just rambled about a bad situation she’s found herself in, without sufficient details on how she got there or details on why she believes she is there… The man’s response can’t necessarily be described as cold, but if there is something wrong, she’s definitely not going to be getting answers from a bunch of strangers. #justmy2cents

    Like

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